So many people tell me they don't have enough time; for themselves, to cook, to do this, do that. But in the same breath, "Hey, did you see Ugly Betty last night?!" And, heaven help us, "Can you believe [fill in blank] got kicked off American Idol last night? He [she] is the best singer this season!" These people may as well be speaking greek; I've never heard of--never mind seen--Ugly Betty. I couldn't name a single contestant on American Idol, and only a single past winner. I somehow caught Carrie Underwood singing on a stage (was it the Superbowl?) and when I said, who is this chick and why is she singing at this event? She's got the dance moves of a cardboard box and the stage presence of a wax figurine. I was advised she was an American Idol winner. Yes, she could sing, but so can a lot of people; in the video-killed-the-radio-star age, you must also have some shazaam. For that reason, she might be joining Ashley what's-her-face in Not Really A Starville sooner than later... but I digress. Tonight, a rare night when my brain couldn't process another bit or byte, I gelled in front of the TV for precisely 10 minutes, and I caught a show I have heard on the radio is a HUGE hit: Are you smarter than a fifth grader (or something like that). Next time I want to gel 10 minutes in front of the boob tube, feel free to pull all my fingernails off one by one; the pain is less than 10 minutes of standard TV fare. In front of me was a woman--the 'up' contestant--who was wringing her hands over whether or not to "walk away" with her $175,000 winnings, or to answer the question, "How many months in the year have 31 days?" She recited a mnemonic poem several times, and counted the months you recite in the poem (the months with less than 31 days) on her fingers. Finally, she held up four fingers on one hand and one finger on another, and then counted up how many fingers were extended. She then used her fingers to subtract 5 from 12, and still the gnarled knuckles of despair--the four taut knuckles on one hand, and the fist with one finger extended in the other. The tension was palatable (right). "Should I continue? Yes! Yes! I do think 7 is right." After some minutes of this shit, Jeff Foxworthy (our host), says, "We'll give you the right answer... right after this break!" To which the contestant and the audience gasped--nooooo! No more waiting to see if 7 is right!!! Nooooo! We return to the show after our commercial break to learn dear contestant was correct. There are indeed 7 months in the year with 31 days. My chihuahua knew that one. Now we get the next question, and we are told this question is from first grade geography. "What is the only continent that is also a country." Dear contestent starts holding up her hands and naming the seven continents (again with the finger counting). She glosses right over the finger tick of Australia, finishes her list, and declares she doesn't know; they're all countries... "North America is a country..." The host again reminds her she can "walk away" or keep her now $300,000 earnings. He again reminds her it's a first grade geography test question. Ms. Contestant bows out and keeps her $300,000, but not before making me suffer through another round of finger ticks and continent names, still ticking right by Australia without any signs of the fading mental filaments lighting up in that pea brain as it did so. And this is the most popular show on television. Someone please shoot me. Or my TV.

Read all about it Our little duct taped gasoline price sign below is an absolute gem, warts and all. But as it turns out, duct tape isn't good for warts after all. Not only that, this issue has been studied twice. I'd really like to know how this ever came up. At the big grant approval agency in the sky, someone actually went before some board up there and said, "We'd like to study whether warts can be eliminated with duct tape." To which the board replied, "Brilliant! Here's two trillion dollars. What a brilliant idea! This must be studied, and the sooner, the better!"

On a recent roadtrip to Lamont, California, I caught this sign of the times. When the gas stations have to start duct taping their signs together, Armageddon can't be far. Now, loyal readers are asking... where the hell is Lamont and why the hell did you go there? Mz. Michela's lead foot got her yet again, and she was pegged for driving 94 over the grapevine. Such a speed precludes automatic traffic school, so I took me a wee trip up the street to Lamont to beg for a pass, "Just this once, sir, your honor, sir." I must have had a cute top on that day or something; traffic school was approved. And the road trip wasn't a complete waste. More gems like the one below to follow.

Read all about it Oh my GOD magnum... what do you say to a guy named Brownback who calls homosexuality immoral? Like, dude, how'd your family get the name Brownback, anyway?

Read all about it So kids, you think it's glamorous to be a rock and roll star; what a lifestyle, right? Well, maybe not so much. Or, shall I say, maybe for just a wee little bit o'time. Yeah yeah, who wouldn't like to have as much tail as they can get their hands on for 20 years; all the sex, drugs, and more sex, drugs you can get. And I do realize, kids, that to you, life ends at 35. So seein' a 52 year-old man who looks 80-eh? What's the difference, right? But kids, I assure you, this is NOT what you should look like at 52; think Sophia Loren (HOT! And she's like, 90!). Think Demi Moore; not far from 52, kids. Not far at all. This photograph is of one Eddie Van Halen; the hottest rock and roll star for decades, a giant in the world of guitarists, and who is entering rehab for the nth time and really looks like hell, folks. Really.

Read all about it Why is anyone surprised that the baffoon who sent our poor troops into a senseless war then didn't give a rats ass how they were treated when they came home. Why? Why are any of us surprised? Bush has made a career out of tragedy and heartbreak, why should he ensure wounded soldiers are properly treated and ruin his so-far stellar record. God I scoffed at the Follywood liberals who compared Bush to Hussein himself, but they were right. How the fuck is that possible! They were right! The trail of Bush tears is long... human being after human being, lives lost, families destroyed. That's the Bush legacy. That's the fool we voted for. FREE THE TEXAS THREE...just three of the victims of the Bush Department of Homeland Terror...

Read all about it Remember runaway Jennifer Wilbanks? Remember the eyes? This guy murdered his wife. Look at those eyes! Ladies and gents, check out the recent pics of your loved one; are the eyes propped widely enough to accommodate full-sized toothpicks? Be on guard... This is a huge tragedy. Very sad. I wish the world were a nicer place. But protecting ourselves is first and foremost, the world cannot protect us. So, start with the eyes.

Read all about it A 'couple' (how loving they must be) left a developmentally disabled boy bound in a closet for TWO DAYS! while they went away to a family reunion. The boy was only three years old. I want to know about these monsters I keep writing about. Who the hell are they...how the hell did they become so callous and cruel towards the suffering of other human beings. How did two monsters--masquerading as human beings--lose every scintilla of humanity. I have read the story of Dave Pelzer. He suffered abuse at the hands of his psychotic mother for years; his father did nothing to help him. His father did nothing to stop the horrifying torture being committed against his son--his own flesh and blood--by his wife. Mr. Pelzer has grown up to become an admirable human being; he works with children, he has written a number of books that document the series of events in his life, and he speaks at schools and other venues. I wonder how Mr. Pelzer became a human being, while the monsters who would bound a three year old child in a closet for two full days so they could leave the house and have fun did not become human beings. Is there a way to identify monsters in human form who have no soul? Is there a way to protect us from these sociopaths before they wreak havoc on humanity? How is it that these monsters walk amongst us, and the only fucking thing we care about is shutting down football pools and imprisoning pot smokers? How is all this possible? Is this the twilight zone we live in?

Read all about it Al Goreby in all his sky-has-fallen glory, has duped millions in the country into believing he really cares about the environment. In the meantime, he is flying all over the place guilting ordinary people into self-loathing because of the so-called global warming phenomenon...once someone tells me why it was hotter when the dinosaurs were here, went into an ice age, then got so warm you could farm on Greenland, all while humans managed to evolve into a very successful species, but NOW we should be running around afraid of our own shadows, then I'll be convinced. In the meanwhile.... Gore's flying around is using some astronomically higher amount of gas than the average American. Now, we also learn his mansion consumes TWENTY TIMES the amount of resources as the average American household. What, only the rich get the convenience of air conditioning without guilt? Only the rich get to consume huge swaths of land while the rest of us should cram into "land efficient" (read: multi-story matchboxes) housing? WTF?! And there's still a person out there who listens to this asshole? This chronic prevaricator? And Hollywood. PUHLEEZE! Their limosines... their flying here there and everywhere at the drop of at hat...their mansions which consume the most pristine cliffs in the world... Anybody know what the "footprint" on the earth is when they film explosions, and floods, and fires, and everything else? I'm just so sure! Don't be a fool people... global warming is purely a way to shift money from wealthy people (except the most elite) to the poor, from wealthier nations to poorer nations. It's a way to control what humans do (except the most elite) and to frighten them into submission in some pre-ordained way. It's the new cult religion, and you should be afraid.

Read all about it A teacher sends a text message about a "drug deal" to a state trooper by mistake... I would find this pretty laughable, but with an additional read, I find the poor teacher was just trying to get some weed. Pot! A damn plant, okay people? And she's being charged with "conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia." I can't believe how much time and effort we waste in locking people up who just want marijuana. It makes absolutely no sense when our "justice" system lets cretins like the one pictured below freely roam our streets after committing several violent felonies. In the meantime, cops are quite busy chasing innocent human beings who just want to relax in the confines of their own homes with a plant that is one trillionth as poisonous to the human body as alcoholic beverages. So while this cretin roamed our streets with impunity and murdered an utterly innocent, heroic man who was a loving husband and father of two twin girls, thousands of pot smokers were imprisoned for years of their lives.

Feel safer?

Murderer of a manager at a local Home Depot:

The murderer shall remain the nameless, soul-less molecule of pond scum that it is. The pond scum murdered Tom Egan, father of two beautiful twin daughters, loving husband to AJ, as Mr. Egan worked some additional overtime to support his family.