Read all about it I hate Michael Vick. He deserves to die. Despite his lies, it looks like he was intimately involved in fighting dogs on his property. He is a disgusting creature, and I encourage every NFL linebacker there is to take this monster's head off. To be involved in the torture of the sweetest creatures who love people so much they would do anything for them just for the thrill of blood and gambling... there is no hell harsh enough for this monster.

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Read all about it Okay peeps, it has been a mere six months since I last posted about my dissatisfaction with my (once) brand new BMW. Since then, that fucking car has been in the shop three more times for serious problems; alternator, broken door hinge, and now I seem to have some issue with the exhaust system; a very noticeable whistle and flapping sound is coming from under the hood, and so now I have to go back AGAIN to figure out what the problem is. That visit to BMW service will mark the twenty first visit to the repair shop in 2 years 11 months of car ownership. I have written to BMW of North America about this issue; when I bring it in again on Wednesday, I'm going to ask them to drive it off a cliff for me. The most defective car Consumer Reports ever reviewed was the Yugo, and I think those cars on average did not have as many problems as I've had with my Kraut engineered POC. I am so disgusted, I would never, ever drive another BMW unless they gave me one for free in perpetuity. And even then! Who has time to take their car into the shop every 2 or 3 months? Driving home this evening I was thinking...have I ever gone more than 4 months without having to go into the fucking shop for something? I'm going to have to create a multi-tiered pivot-tabled spreadsheet just to figure this out; I've gone over my paperwork several times, and I have a pretty good idea, but much more analysis needs to be made at this point. And BMW of NA. You don't even want to know what I'm thinking right now... you'd call the police and hire personal security if you did.

So many people tell me they don't have enough time; for themselves, to cook, to do this, do that. But in the same breath, "Hey, did you see Ugly Betty last night?!" And, heaven help us, "Can you believe [fill in blank] got kicked off American Idol last night? He [she] is the best singer this season!" These people may as well be speaking greek; I've never heard of--never mind seen--Ugly Betty. I couldn't name a single contestant on American Idol, and only a single past winner. I somehow caught Carrie Underwood singing on a stage (was it the Superbowl?) and when I said, who is this chick and why is she singing at this event? She's got the dance moves of a cardboard box and the stage presence of a wax figurine. I was advised she was an American Idol winner. Yes, she could sing, but so can a lot of people; in the video-killed-the-radio-star age, you must also have some shazaam. For that reason, she might be joining Ashley what's-her-face in Not Really A Starville sooner than later... but I digress. Tonight, a rare night when my brain couldn't process another bit or byte, I gelled in front of the TV for precisely 10 minutes, and I caught a show I have heard on the radio is a HUGE hit: Are you smarter than a fifth grader (or something like that). Next time I want to gel 10 minutes in front of the boob tube, feel free to pull all my fingernails off one by one; the pain is less than 10 minutes of standard TV fare. In front of me was a woman--the 'up' contestant--who was wringing her hands over whether or not to "walk away" with her $175,000 winnings, or to answer the question, "How many months in the year have 31 days?" She recited a mnemonic poem several times, and counted the months you recite in the poem (the months with less than 31 days) on her fingers. Finally, she held up four fingers on one hand and one finger on another, and then counted up how many fingers were extended. She then used her fingers to subtract 5 from 12, and still the gnarled knuckles of despair--the four taut knuckles on one hand, and the fist with one finger extended in the other. The tension was palatable (right). "Should I continue? Yes! Yes! I do think 7 is right." After some minutes of this shit, Jeff Foxworthy (our host), says, "We'll give you the right answer... right after this break!" To which the contestant and the audience gasped--nooooo! No more waiting to see if 7 is right!!! Nooooo! We return to the show after our commercial break to learn dear contestant was correct. There are indeed 7 months in the year with 31 days. My chihuahua knew that one. Now we get the next question, and we are told this question is from first grade geography. "What is the only continent that is also a country." Dear contestent starts holding up her hands and naming the seven continents (again with the finger counting). She glosses right over the finger tick of Australia, finishes her list, and declares she doesn't know; they're all countries... "North America is a country..." The host again reminds her she can "walk away" or keep her now $300,000 earnings. He again reminds her it's a first grade geography test question. Ms. Contestant bows out and keeps her $300,000, but not before making me suffer through another round of finger ticks and continent names, still ticking right by Australia without any signs of the fading mental filaments lighting up in that pea brain as it did so. And this is the most popular show on television. Someone please shoot me. Or my TV.

This letter was actually sent to Debra Kanof the Kunt, a letter written by Michela: Dear Ms. Kanof: I'm nearly 159% certain you will never read this letter. I'm sure that your assault on innocent humanity has made the ability for you to read your own mail and listen to your own voice mails impossible. But stranger things have happened (for example, the federal government imprisoning two innocent men for a large part of their young adult lives based on the testimony of a drug trafficker), so I thought I'd give it a try. There's nothing I can tell you that you have not read or heard already, such as these men are innocent, you maliciously prosecuted them in revenge for not accepting a plea, or as part of a conspiracy to shut down the security of our borders, that the Ramos/Compean case will stand as one of the most horrific miscarriages of justice in the history of the United States of America. Oh, and congratulations for being the spearhead of such a campaign of federal government terror; that’s quite a legacy! Regardless, I have a few more words for you; you are about the most hideous creature in the female human I've ever seen. I left this message for you on your voicemail, which was screened from you by your--no doubt--equally hideous assistant(s). You are hideous not because your genetics say so, although that certainly weighed in against you as well (eh hem--since you're as wide as you are tall, I just can't help peppering in the puns). You are hideous because your black soul is on display; you have no warmth, no charm, no charisma, no sweetness, no light, no feminine qualities of any kind. I've known lots of genetically unattractive women, and lots of heavy women. And at the same time, many of these women just exuded beauty; beautiful souls with the kindness and loveliness of an angel. YOU, however, are just hideous. And disgusting. I have obtained the information from people very close to this case that dozens of people who have worked with you or currently work with you have nothing nice to say about you. They describe a tyrant...a cold, calculating, disturbed creature in the container of a human body with no interest in justice (in spite of the profession you chose to pursue). I have no doubt you will burn in hell, if hell as Christians know it exists. I also have no doubt that as a sociopath and a tyrant, you're living in a fair version of hell on earth. Were you to exhibit one scintilla of humanity, I'd almost feel sorry for you for existing this way...hated....disdained by hundreds of thousands, if not millions of strangers as well as anyone around you. It must be hard to be a big fat pig pariah. It isn’t easy to be that hated, you had to work for that one. Again, congratulations on being one of the most hated humans on earth. However, all is not bleak for your black soul. The Christian God, the Jewish God, the Muslim God, and Buddha allow for mistakes and redemption. If you make this evil right and admit to your wrongs, you will find that even while you weigh 200 pounds at five feet tall, you will feel lighter. Your hideous face will start to take on a softness, a lightness, and will reveal a glimpse of beauty. But redemption requires repentance. I seriously doubt you will take my advice, and you'll live out the rest of your wicked days as a hideous, ugly, disgusting ball of fat. But I really felt it was my duty to give you the invitation to redemption; your outright refusal of it will just seal your fate into the doors of hell. And as you approach the end of your life, you'll be alone or with another black creature; all real and kind human beings who might have been there for you you've burned and turned away. You'll be sitting there alone for many years with nobody of any quality around you, and Mr. Ramos and Mr. Compean will long be out of prison in spite of your failure to redeem, and they'll be surrounded by their families, their wives, their children, and some of the millions of people who have grown to know and love them through this ordeal. And I'll be sitting there with them, and we'll have long forgotten about you; in spite of the enormity of your evil, we will not waste a breath or thought on you or what you've done. You are not worth one molecule of oxygen if you do not redeem. So all I can say, Ms. Tyrant, time flies. Life is short. You have ever so little time to make your choice; turn towards the light, or keep on your path of evil. Godspeed to you--and may you die of cancer of the eyes--if you choose the latter. Sincerely, Michele O'Dea PS: Lest you think I’m some religious fanatic, I’m an atheist. You might be too. Your trip to the gates of hell might not exist, but remember the black life you are living. Redemption can save you in this life, my dear. This life of which--unless you’re a Buddhist--you get one and only one to live. So it's your choice: blackness or light. Blackness or light. That’s the beauty of life, even for ugly creatures like you; there are always choices.

Okay, this is IT. IT! IT I tell you! Weenie guy in the middle handed out "Tony" Awards (weenie guy's name is Tony) last night during the Monday Night Football game. We saw "awards" for "Best Choreography" (WTF!) and "Best Costume" (HUH?! WTF! there ain't no costumes in FOOTBALL! oh, then again, it was a Raider's game and their fans are space aliens in human costumes and sometimes space aliens in space alien costumes) and "Best Actor" (AYFKM?* WTF?! although we were mildly amused Terrell Owens was the winner in this category). Even so...as mildly amusing as this little schtick was, WTF dude, WTF. What's next? Tony Weenie will be talking about how a football fan should do home decorating? Or which china you should use during your next formal Superbowl dinner? In a world of weenie-ness, turning weenier by the day (click -->Here<-- on the wussification of our great Nation), one would think one could count on football as the last bastion of the pure manly man. The place where a woman finds real men who don't squeal like Miss Piggie when they get a paper cut and couldn't give a rats ass about bonzai trees and even better...they don't even know what a bonzai tree is. Tony Weenie is wussifying our last manly stand and we won't stand for it anymore! STOP! One highlight of the Tony Weenie Awards...Tony Weenie offered a Tony Award to his left-side commentator (these guys are so bad I'm not even bothering to remember their names). Whoever that guy is just looked down at the thing (I couldn't even tell what the award object was) and didn't put his hand out to accept it. Tony asked something like "aren't you going to accept your award?" to which left side guy either didn't respond at all or subtly said, "uh, no that's okay"... something like that. Now THAT'S funny. *Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Why are people so retarded about using the Reply to All feature in company email? Two recent examples: -- An associate sent out an email with an urgent request for someone who speaks Mandarin Chinese. At LEAST 20 idiot replies (to all, of course) said, simply, "I don't speak Mandarin. Sorry!" Another 20 replies were generated when a reply-to-all idiot replied (to all) "Please remove me from this email thread." with 20 MORE replies (to all) "Me too!" Starting with reply-to-all idiots in the first email flood: the requestor needed people who DO speak Mandarin Chinese, NOT a list of company employees who DO NOT! And, FYI, 1700 people DO NOT need to know that you DO NOT speak Mandarin Chinese! We'd guess that fact with 100% accuracy! How? You're too dumb to learn such a complicated language! And to you reply-to-all idiots in the second reply-to-all flood, you were the idiots who caused the thread to be perpetuated another 40 times! So remove YOU from the thread? What, and reduce the annoyance to you for your annoyance to US? No way! --An associate advises the occupants of X building that the power will be out from 9 p.m to midnight and okay, we'll give benefit of the doubt that someone actually needs to know this. Then a reply-to-all idiot replies (to all) "Thanks for the update, John Doe!" Okay reply-to-all idiot, nobody cares to see your thank you! Whew, I feel so much better... now if only I could reply-to-all with this rant attached!

And that's just all there is to say. It sucks, sucks SUCKS! Was it designed by a twelve year old 35 years ago? That's how bad it sucks. It cannot be described, how much it sucks. Why an enterprise such as the one I work for would find any reason to still use this piece of shit also cannot be described or explained. TO HELL WITH LOTUS NOTES AND EVERY DEVELOPER WHO EVER WORKED ON THE GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT!

And that's no small statement, in 5.2 seasons, there've been some bad ones. But last night, argh, the show's second for the season, was so terrible I almost left early. I think it didn't even run 50 whole minutes, but it seemed like 80. This season is so full of heavy handed foreshadowing, it makes Danielle Steele's "...she was so happy seeing burning candles on the slighly brown Christmas tree...then the house burnded down and her entire family was cooked alive!" seem like a hidden plot twist. Right after Christopher talks to the old FBI guys about terrorism, he runs into "Ahkmed" at the bar? Gimme a break. And those dream sequences...OMG, excruciating! And I read a review calling this season brilliant! Who are these people!

Read all about it Thank you Frenchie. We had no idea our enemies were such busy-bodies. And John Cleese may have been a major player in the funniest thing ever put to film or stage (Monty Python), but being a comedian doesn't take brains. Just ask the slew of them who have died in massive overdoses of cocaine and food. Not a braniac way to go. So Senior Cleese, here are MWB responses to your Declaration of Revocation. 1: British people either sound like they have their heads up the Queen's ass or completely illiterate. Why on earth would anyone want to pronounce words the way they do. So fuck off. 2: When you get your heads out of your queen's ass (see #1), you'll realize (yes, it's realizzzze, -not- realisssse) there IS such a thing as American spelling. You're just jealous the top billionaires (like the guy who runs Microsoft) are American. So fuck off. 3: Why bother? See #2; we own this world. So fuck off. 4: See #3. 5: Why would we sing to a lady who has an entire population up her ass? (See #1). So FUCK OFF! 6: As part of the result of #3, we play whatever the fuck we want. SO FUCK OFF. 7: Besides our brains, how is it you think we own this world? With our guns pointed at your stuck up faces which are up your queen's ass. Any questions before you fuck off? 8: What the hell are you talking about? 9: Can you spell "V-I-P-E-R"? Can you spell "C-O-R-V-E-T-T-E"? Has anyone ever heard of a goddamn Citron? NO? Who owns your sorry ass car companies? The Krauts?! 10: We can call them what we want. See #3. 11: Are you smoking that bad Spanish weed again? Get yourself some American ganja, go read iganja.com, and clear your thinking up. 12: Are you jealous again? We make and sell more beer than drunken English could drink in a century. 13: I repeat, see #3. We own this world, we conquer oil-bearing territories. We pay less, you pay more. See? It's simple. so FUCK OFF! 14: Stop moving while I take a shot at you. 15: That's because you are obsessive compulsive, anal-retentive whackjobs. Let it go already, or fuck off. 16: Why, so our economy can suck as much as yours? Or is it so we can get equally bad dental care? I don’t know if you've noticed, but most Americans have all their teeth, and they're straight. You really should get a tax refund just for all your botched dental work alone. SO FUCK OFF!

I have only one question regarding the ports being sold to a United Arab Emirates-owned corporation: WTF IS BUSH THINKING?

The traffic control for Mighty Ducks hockey games, as administered by the Anaheim Police Department, is just about the least efficient cluster fuck you have ever seen this side of Boston's Big Dig. The design is the embodiment of they-couldn't-make-it-worse-if-they-tried. But then again, what would you expect from city government employees. And oy vay, I should be careful not to utter such words, as the Anaheim PD Traffic Management Supervisor II (just a guess at the title of the lowly clerk who implemented this scheme) might take them as fightin' words. The diabolical Traffic Management Supervisor II wrings his hands in his dusty cubicle in the sub-basement records storage area.
"I know! Instead of blocking all lanes in one direction, I'll block them all! Hahahahaaaaaa! That'll show those meddling redheads just who they're messing with! Hahahaha!"
With the pound of the spinning date rubber stamp on the Canary=Bureaucratic Paperwork Bin and a scrawl of the illegible supervisor signature on the White=Bureaucratic File Cabinet, his terrible scheme was put into motion. While his cackle could be heard for miles, everyone thought it was just a crow in the final throes of West Nile Virus. Little did Mighty Ducks fans know the traffic nightmare that was lying in store for them in the next home game...

Who are these people who insist on using their windshield wiper fluid while they are driving. I realize their cars are so filthy they must use windshield wiper fluid in lieu of a good cleaning (remember folks, we live in SoCali where there has been no rain for months). But while driving? What, you didn't know your windshield was filthy before you pulled out of the driveway? You think since your car is so filthy that the rest of us must have filthy cars too, and therefore do not care that you just spewed Windex all over our cars? 'Scuse me?

Pleeeeeeeeze tell me why I must be subjected to such a gawdawful picture to check my yahoo mail. Yes, geekfreeks, I can block images from yahoo. But then I can't see the images on the buttons or many other useful things when I am in yahoo mail. First, we had to stare at the ho-hum brunette for something near 2 years. Now we have a rotating set of pictures, and this picture is one of them. So it's worse, even, because we might get the nice pic of the surfer, or we might get the guy who's ripping his eyeball sockets off his face. Yahoo, I'm 'bout ready to bail to gmail.

This big, botox-deep frown line goes out to all makers of all mobile telephones in the United States of America. The manufacturers are ignoring and continuing an evile design flaw which has surely destroyed lives. Yes, lives! That flaw is...! It is that in non-flip phones, "locking" the keys doesn't mean the keys are "locked." The phone can still be accidentally answered by the unwitting holder of the phone. It's evile! Consider a recent Dr. Laura phone call... the woman called to tell Dr. L that she had overheard her husband on a date with another woman. Worse, he complaining about his wife (her!) to this woman! Dr. Laura was quite puzzled. "How did you hear this?" The woman explained that she simply called her husband, and the phone answered (even though he did not say "hello?") and the line was held open for the entire date while the angry Mrs. listened. Dr. L just didn't understand how this could have been and only barely seemed to believe what the woman said but finally took it at face value. Ahh, MWB understands what happened. The keys were "locked." The phone was in his pocket, probably on silent. He probably shifted one millimeter to pick up his salad fork and voila! The phone answered! And NOW the goddamn cell phones keys are locked and so it doesn't disconnect, and his wife can hear everything. So I say, to hell will go the cell phone designers who allow this to continue. So I say, buyer beware! Especially those up to some nefarious behaviors... your cell phone in your briefcase, pocket, purse, or car can shift while it's ringing with keys locked and answer itself. Demand change! Call your provider!

--Package engineering buffoons who make the packages of anything that gets sealed into a plastic box impossible to open without multiple sets of tools. I shudder for the day when I am too old to apply 600 pounds of force to get those packages open. --A huge, wrinkly, botox-bound frown line to hair stylists who cannot cut a straight line. I know I have fairly wavy (to curly) hair, but it does comb straight when wet. So why can't crackheads who just do that---cut hair all day, day in, day out, 5 to 6 days a week---why can't they cut my hair into a straight line. There has only been one hair stylist in the history of the universe who has been able to achieve this simple goal. He's so wonderful and I miss him so much (I moved 100 miles away and I'm still tempted to drive there for a hair cut!). Here is his number if you are in San Diego, go see Edward. The best hair cutter ever born. Edward at Salon Tonic, downtown San Diego:(619) 232-3721

--Hondas, any model, any make, any engine size. You, YOU right there in that gd underpowered Honda POS, get out of the f-ing fast lane before I drive my German tank up your Japanese arse! --Fubars who are entering the first millenium 1,000 years late, and are starting to use their debit or credit cards at the grocery store instead of writing a check. You get 100 points for migrating from the ridiculous ritual of writing checks (which includes the cursive dollar amount and showing a driver's license, whose data must then be transferred to the face of the check, as IF that makes the check not bounce). But you get -1,000,000 points for squinting and staring at the card terminal and having to ask every step of the way which F-ING button is the correct next button in the sequence. Just have your groceries delivered.

- What century is this? What millennium? Who are these people who still write checks at the grocery store? - "Compact Car" parking spaces always far outnumber the normal spots. Hullo parking lot builders; my 3 series BMW doesn't fit in those damn things and the average car is a helluva lot bigger. Take out 2 spots per row, make the GD spots bigger, and ultimately, you'll create more parking because those Tahoes, trucks, Sequoias et al that must take up 2 spots will only take up one. Net net gain. Idiots! - Forwarding emails...my friends, delete my email address before you forward my email to 5,000 of your closest eFriends. The last thing I need is to get on some spam list. And when you send your idiotic garbage to me ("This was sent by angels! Forward to 7 people in 5 seconds and watch the miracle!") put me on your BCC list for the same reason. Better yet, leave me off altogether.

Read all about it Or between a vote for Bush and Gag me with a Gore-bee. How can you possibly expect those yet-to-be-identified Martians could discern the difference between pro and amateur photography? The funniest business travel stories I have are all my interactions with retarded Floridians. Funny now, that is; not funny at 12 a.m. when trying to get a rental car and sleep before an 8 a.m. meeting, which is 5 a.m. on the California clock. It was those trips that made me fully understand the voting "controversy" and why they felt so justified in defending their inability to distinguish one hole from another (that's another post entirely...squeal little piggie, squeal!). Whenever I went to the hotel, the car rental counter, or the airline counter, it was always the same... "Last name please." My name is one of those Irish deals with an O and an apostrophe; the next letter is a D, as in "O'Dxxx" 10 times out of 11; "O- whut?" I spell it. "We dont' have no D's... here. D whut?" I spell it again. "Is it D somthin, or O somthin'? " I always asked said counter person, "Did I land in Jacksonville, Florida or is this Mobile, Alabama? Juss checkin'..." Therefore my MWB friends, it's no surprise the example of the retarded Martian photo lab employee who cannot tell the difference between a pro photog and an amateur is, frankly, no shock.

-Why do people exit elevators, escalators, stairwells, planes--and all other places where human throughput is critical--stop 4 millimeters over the threshold while everyone behind them piles up while they gaze around like a stoner waking up from a long sleep? -When will restaurants realize those cool lights they hang low over the tables are a visual obstacle worthy of my darkest sunglasses? -Why do women with a huge belly wear pants that stop below the belly button and tops that start at the rib cage, subjecting the rest of us to a dollop of blubber only a 3 month old baby should have? -How is it we can create freeways where people can drive 80 miles an hour safely (don't tell me it's not) but we can't figure out a way to control traffic and speed in parking lots without large concrete obstacles that do not slow down SUVs at all and damage everyone else's car outright?

- Is anyone else sick of that ho hum brunette as the Yahoo! Mail cover girl? Is the Calvin Klein undie model available? - Why do idiots in SoCal drive in the left lanes when traffic is passing them on the right? - Why are traffic lights never synchronized? Why am I stopped at light #1, lights #2 and #3 are green. Light #1 goes green, so light #2 goes red; light #3 stays green. Light #2 goes green and now light #3 goes red. Has anyone calculated how much time and gas we waste stopping at 10 lights in 10 blocks? - Why are people in Southern California so complacent over the illegal immigration problem? - How do people who call me racist for being against illegal immigration answer to the fact that Mexico's laws are the same or more strict than ours? Are they racist?

Bumper stickers seen on a gargantuan SUV on the road today: Right side of bumper: "Cap Insurance Rates -- Not Injured Workers' Compensation" Left side (how appropriate) of bumper: "John Kerry..." blah blah something about a new America, blah blah This moron is no more aware that the election campaign is ancient history, and that they make stuff that makes taking those stickers off real simple, than he is able to understand you cannot pull money out of anyone's arse-not even a corporate arse. The parental refrain "Money doesn't grow on trees!" just didn't sink in there, did it buddy. How can you provide an unlimited outflow of benefits (benefit=cost=money is required to buy!) with a limited inflow for the payment for said benefits? Or does $1 + $1 = infinity on Planet Leftist?